It is with my extremely great pleasure that I share with everyone who has kept up with my writings since I started, that I am now DONE with my behavioral health program. I am very proud of what I accomplished the last two months. Coming into it, I knew I needed to help myself by allowing myself to be open to this process. It wasn’t always easy to wake up and go every day and talk about my core thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. However, I did it. Every. Single. Day. I didn’t make up excuses why I shouldn’t go or continue. I was laser focused from the very beginning.
I started this next chapter of trying to be better with extremely low self-worth. Every day was a challenge. I was in a hole, and I simply couldn’t get out. I tried to scrap and claw out of it, but with some futile attempts I sunk deeper. I was so depressed to the point I had been given an involuntary hospital stay that came on the heels of suicidal ideation. I knew that I was not myself. I wanted help, but I also wanted to die and feel what it’s like. It was this dialectic that was so tough to deal with. I didn’t know where to turn. I sought professional help, but I ended up in a place that seemed to keep me there to have something for their employees to occupy their time. It was literal hell. I knew there would be light at the end of the tunnel. So, I did my best to keep it together. I knew my family and other positive supports were going to do anything they could to help me once I was free from that fucking hell hole.
As soon as I got out of there, I wanted to yell “Freeeeeeedooooooooom”, like Mel Gibson did in the movie Braveheart. But I did settle for a much-needed warm embrace from my parents. I knew something had to change. They had found a behavioral health program that was recommended to them. I was hesitant at first because I have done group therapy programs twice before. I did figure that I needed help as soon as I was able to get it. I went into action mode. I admitted into the program within days, and scheduled therapy sessions and saw my psychiatrist sessions so not to feel worse by putting these off.
I set out this next round of behavioral health therapy to help me with my overall mood. I didn’t want five percent of my day, if it was bad, to ruin the remainder of my day. It’s very important for me to be in control of my emotions. I did realize that it is actually okay for my emotions to take over but to mindful of it and not judge myself for things that are sometimes really hard to control, as thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all connected in a very integrated way. I also discovered that sometimes my emotional tank gets full, and I needed to find a way to empty it to a more balanced level.
I turned to writing out my feelings during week two of the program, and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. It unlocked superpowers. I found a way to empty my emotional tank to a more controlled level. I have really appreciated my ability to write down my feelings and thoughts in a mindful way, which has allowed me to not judge myself. It has helped those around me to have an insight to my mental health journey. I have solidified my metaphorical red cross (though there’s always room for more volunteers). The support and outreach I have received has been nothing but positive and motivating to keep doing it, as long as I want to and it helps.
Two months ago, I would have told to myself that, yes I can do a program but would it really help me at my core. The answer was no. But now I would say that the answer would be a resounding yes. I am happy. I have found pleasure in activities I had at one point stopped, and I have also found new hobbies, such as writing, that helps add to my positive mood. I am forever grateful to those have helped me in the past and those who will continue supporting me in my never-ending journey to maintain a balanced emotional state through a path of uncertainty, which can include a rollercoaster of emotions with plenty of ups and hopefully less downs.
To my supports and therapists at the program, Thank you. I know I talked a lot, and I believe everything I have said in group. I am confident there were many times that I spoke up and it resonated with people in the room. I appreciate the warm and inviting environment that allowed me to grow. I will make sure to reflect on what I have learned from you and those in group whenever things are going worse than they are today, and also when things are going well.
Currently, the future holds a lot of uncertainty for me. At some point, relatively soon, I will start a new job. I have been applying and interviewing here and there, but nothing has come to fruition yet. I don’t know what working will be like in this next stage of my life. Will it be hard? Yes. Will I be uncomfortable? Yes. Will it make me doubt why every so often? Yes. There are so many what ifs and more uncertain questions I could come up with, but will I be successful eventually? Yes. Will I overcome obstacles as they come? Yes! Will I be okay? YES! Am I worth it? HELL FUCKING YES I AM!
As I already said, I am in a much different place now. I am at peace. I am myself. I am not free of negative emotions, but rather better prepared to handle the changes of life. I am more self-aware than ever. I have written so much about my emotional situation, self-judgments, and outside chatter regarding mental health. By writing about all of this, I had set out to use this platform as a complement to therapy in program and outside in life. I knew that I had the potential to reach people that didn’t know who fully was. Maybe that was because I was afraid to share, and perhaps I didn’t know who I was. There has been an outpouring of support since day one. I can say that I have changed perspectives. I have challenged thoughts, and I have provided personal insights surrounding mental health to aid in challenging and changing the stigma of sharing the flat-out ugly parts of life. In the end, I can’t say it’ll be smooth sailing from here, my journey to manage my mental health continues, just as it had been two months ago, and numerous times before that.
Till next time, here is the last poem I wrote while at Rodgers. It’s about my latest journey while coming out of that hole I was in.
JOURNEY
Joy was gone from my life.
Over and over trying to get myself out from
Under a rock. I had a
Really bad depressive episode and was
Admitted into a behavioral health program to help
Navigate my emotions in a more
Efficient and positive manner. Today
You find me leaving program with a new positive perspective.
Thank you for sharing your success story. Your experience gives us hope that although gloomy days are tough you can overcome them with determination and courage. Setbacks happen but they don’t have to be permanent. Wishing you good health.
Congratulations Jason! You're stronger than you can imagine and I appreciate you for sharing your story. This is just another reason for anyone to feel like they can do whatever they need to be better. Thank you and congrats again.